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How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Setting Boundaries

Writer's picture: Vanessa BauerVanessa Bauer



Are you constantly saying "yes" to others at the expense of your own well-being? It's time to break free from the people-pleasing cycle and learn the art of setting healthy boundaries. In this blog post, we'll explore why constantly agreeing to everything fuels anxiety, provide practical steps to assert your needs without guilt, and offer strategies to balance your needs with those of others. What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is the habit of putting others’ needs and desires ahead of your own, often to gain approval or avoid conflict. It can look like always saying “yes,” avoiding voicing your opinions, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. While it’s rooted in good intentions, people-pleasing can sometimes serve as a protective mechanism, shielding us from rejection or pain. For example, agreeing to everything might feel safer than risking disapproval or conflict. Recognizing this can help you approach the habit with compassion rather than self-criticism.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits and rules you set for yourself and others to protect your well-being and honour your values. They can appear in all aspect of our lives and relate to our physical, emotional, intellectual, material, time, spiritual or relational limits. For example, a boundary might be saying no to extra work when you’re already overwhelmed or asking for space when you need time to process your feelings. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about creating a framework where both you and others can thrive. Setting boundaries is an essential step toward breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and living authentically. Boundareis are also about what you can control and the actions you take to protect your boundaries. They are not about controlling other people.

The Anxiety-Fueling Cycle of Always Saying "Yes"

Constantly agreeing to every request can lead to a host of negative consequences. When you prioritize others' needs over your own, you may experience:

  • Increased stress and burnout

  • A loss of personal identity

  • Growing resentment towards others

  • Depleted energy and exhaustion

  • Decision Paralysis

  • Self-abondonment

The result? You’re caught in a cycle of anxiety, trying to meet everyone’s expectations while neglecting your own well-being. By saying "yes" all the time, you're not only sacrificing your own well-being but also potentially damaging your relationships in the long run.

Practical Steps to Assert Your Needs Without Guilt

  1. Pause and Reflect: Before responding to a request, ask yourself:

    • Do I have the time and energy to commit to this?

    • Does this align with my priorities and values?

  2. Start Small: Practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. For example, politely decline a coffee date when you need downtime.

  3. Reframe Guilt: Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s an act of self-respect. When you prioritize your needs, you show up better for others.

    ** Guilt often implies that we have done something wrong. If you notice you are feeling guilty, challenge the guilt by asking yourself, “What am I doing wrong by saying no or setting a boundary?”

  4. Use “I” Statements: Communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. For example, “I appreciate the invitation, but I need to rest tonight. Let’s catch up another time.”

A Quick Script to Help You Say “No” with Confidence

Here’s a simple formula to say “no” while maintaining kindness:

  1. Acknowledge the Request: “Thank you for thinking of me.”

  2. Set Your Boundary: “I won’t be able to help with that this time.”

  3. Offer an Alternative (Optional): “Have you considered asking [someone else]?” or “I’d love to help in the future when I have more capacity.”

Balancing Your Needs and the Needs of Others

Maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out and its not about always saying NO. It’s about finding a balance that allows you to meet your needs while preserving your connections. Here’s how:

  • Communicate Transparently: Let others know what you can and can’t do. For example, “I can help you with this, but I’ll need to finish my own project first.”

  • Schedule Check-Ins: Set aside time to connect with loved ones so they feel valued, even when you’re prioritizing yourself.

  • Compromise: Look for win-win solutions. For example, instead of saying “I can’t help you move,” you might say, “I can help pack for an hour, but I need the rest of the day to recharge.”

Incorporating Your Values into Boundaries

Your values can guide how you set and communicate boundaries. For example, if you value helping others, boundaries don’t have to mean saying “no” outright. Instead, focus on finding compromises that respect your limits while honoring your desire to support others.

Here’s an example: Let’s say a friend asks for help with a project, but you’re swamped with your own work. Instead of saying yes and overextending yourself, you might say:

  • “I’d love to help, but I’m really busy this week. Could I review it for you next weekend instead?”

By aligning your boundaries with your values, you can protect your well-being while staying true to what matters most to you.

Final Thoughts

Breaking free from people-pleasing takes practice and patience, but the rewards are worth it. By learning to set boundaries, you reduce anxiety, foster healthier relationships, and create a life that’s aligned with your values. Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first—doing so allows you to show up authentically for others.

If you’re ready to work on setting boundaries and overcoming anxiety, I’m here to help. Book a free consultation to learn more about how we can work together. I offer in-person counselling services in Waterloo, ON and virtual services across Ontario!

Take care, Vanessa Bauer

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